A new young coll was talking to me and she was telling me how she draw a line at work and that we are just colls and not friends. I can never quite understand how one can draw such clear lines. We are on shift every other day and we chat and helped each other with work and stuffs and sometimes she even share her personal stuffs with me, so how can we be just purely colls? She was amazed when she realise I treat her as a friend. Something so simple and natural to me may not be the same for others.
I have been rather “boring” aka quiet these days, but the truth is, I’ve aged. I’ve learnt, maybe. It’s not easy keeping thoughts to yourself and not saying how you feel , at least for me. The very same sentence with the same meaning will turn out differently when said to different people. I realised, I’ve sorta learn to keep my feelings to myself. I no longer explain myself that much though I’ve always thought I should, for that person means a lot to me. But recently this very sentence has been flashing over and over again in my mind “Never explain yourself. Your true friends don’t need it and your enemies wouldn’t buy it.” I’ve learnt not to be an open book for there are many vultures out there waiting to eat you up. As cynical as I may sound, we do know there is some truth to it. Not everyone is thankful to the hand that once helped you nor does anyone hold on to that gratefulness forever. At the snap of the finger, and all the help you once rendered, will be long forgotten. This is life, isn’t it? Long gone are the days when loyalty matters.
I have a rocket temper and I shoot whatever is on my mind and those who knows me, knows that at the very next minute, I’ll be ok. As fiery as I might sound when on fire, my heart is very very soft BUT not everyone feels the same. Some might take it seriously, some might decipher their own set of thinkings and judge you, and some might even use it against you. I am very thankful I can always tell D whatever is on my mind though he may not always understand. I have my besties whom I can safely say, still takes my nonsense and listens to me and not use it against me (THANK YOU). Do you know how rare it is to find someone whom you can safely open up and trust your vulnerabilities with?
I am one such fool, one that still believes in loyalty and going through thick and thin with my khakis. When I open up, many a times, I tend to let down my guard and forget to put a full stop. I feel so old and though I still am making new friends/colls, I no longer feel the need to entertain. I am still friendly, laughy and somewhat cheery but when I feel like being quiet, I try to do the lol, heheee and hahaaa in all politeness. I am still me but older and slightly wiser, I hope. It’s true when they say after you struggled with the loss of someone dear or after you brush through life and death; you tend to see things in a different light and you tend to take things easier. I feel really boring these days… sooooo bored that all I wana do is stay home and rot. (die lah dear, I’m becoming you! LOL)
SC I saw you, at least that’s what I choose to believe in. That vague image, that little wings, that smile I see, I know its you. Mummy knows you are well and please continue to watch over us baby. We miss you everyday and always will.