I really thought I’m managing better and though I know I still feel sad, I didn’t think I’m holding on anymore but its very obvious my body feels likewise. The recurring nightmares started since a week-ish and hasn’t stop since… Be it napping or going to bed, I’m bound to toss and turn for at least 2 hours before falling asleep. This morning was my last straw, I sway from left to right as I walk and I even had to lean on my wall before I can focus on walking. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore…
I hate the me right now… very needy and THANK
GOD GYM I have very supportive friends who is still not sick of me, yet. Little things like getting shower baths ready, washing a cup or so, I also have to depend on D for it. Yes, I know the pot of boiling hot water is heavy and I need D’s help yet I’m feeling resentful. I miss doing things on my own without having to depend on no one. The feeling of being useless is really strong. Bud says sometimes its ok to be dependent especially when you need it now, just let us be here for you.
D is worried sick after I told him what happened this morning and he spoke to me in a louder tone and I felt angry that he doesn’t see that I didn’t want to be like this either. It only hit me shortly that he is worried… very worried. He went on and explained how he feared that I will be so stressed up; I will bring more harm to my body. He doesn’t want anything bad to happen to me and chided me for not sparing a thought for him and all that he has done for me. I felt guilty. I need to be strong for D. I have to be.
Today I receive a very sweet gesture from a long time friend. Thanks Fe for delivering this nice basket filled with love to my crib. I’m sorry I couldn’t be a good host and let you in the house. I really don’t wish to cry and go through the whole drama again. Will meet you up for a good meal after my confinement is over.